My Journey to Awakening

It is turning out to be a very hard journey, this twin flame thing.  I am feeling very frustrated today.  I will elaborate….

Since I was wondering if Serkan and I were twin flames, I began to research on the internet ways to “re-connect”.  I found a couple of different web sites, and healers.

Cassady Cayne at www.twinflames1111.com has compiled help programs by the means of meditation.  Her website offers more information in the way of blogs and testimonials.  Of course you can find Twin Flames 1111 on Facebook and Twitter.

The second healing website I found was Twin Flame Healers.  Remi and Jill are twin flames, who have a spiritual healing background.  And they offer webinars that help with understanding, and clearing negative energy.

I have been trying to understand all of the aspects of twin flames and whether or not Serkan and I are actually true twin flames.  According to both websites, the possibility of connecting with your twin flame through the conscience of your mind is possible.  However at this time I am not finding that I am able to do that.  I attempted many times while Serkan was in Turkey and I think I am hearing his emotions in my ear by way of a buzzing noise that intensifies when I think he is emotional.  And I am trying to connect to him through the high beings as taught by Jill and Remi.  But I am not finding that he is responding as they mentioned that he would.  I will keep trying to connect to him as my spirit guide guides me by using a pendulum that I made myself, which is another story.

`Update~

Serkan was a very strong karmic being that had past life experiences with me.  The karmic energy between us was strong, and it was not twin flame energy.  However, by releasing the karmic vows, clearing the Karmic chains and cords, and healing the past life traumas that were inflicted upon me as a feminine; as the universal idea that had existed, I have emerged sacred and found my true mission ready to be embarked within the true mission of my enlightened soul, and my energy is finding my power as a high being, a human, a healer, a lover, a best friend, a soul sole mate, a mother, a child, a woman and a wonder of not only my high being twin soul sole mate, but the person who is a human, a protector, a healer, a lover, a best friend, a soul sole mate, a father, a child, a man and a wonder of mine. Joseph Ronald Ryan wake up to who you are within your body lies sleeping a god with energy that is my higher being twin soul.

21 years ago today, I ended my old life, and entered a new beginning with a wonderful little (and I mean little) boy.  I became a mom.

Weighing in a 3lbs 13oz, Micheal Wayne Vincent entered this world 6 weeks a head of schedule.  He was supposed to wait until December 18, but if you know Mike, he never follows the rules, and likes to do things the hard way.  His birth was no exception.

After 13 hrs of labour, an epidural, and an emergency delivery with forceps, Mike was born at 1:20pm, November 6, 1995.  I was given a small amount of time to hold him, before he was whisked away in an incubator.  It would be another 48 hours before I was able to hold him again.

I was kept a couple of days in the hospital, because while I as numb from the waist down, I had several catheters inserted, and they scratched me.  After I regained feeling in my legs, it took another 24 hours to be able to pee by myself.  I was not allowed to be discharged until I could.

During that time, I pumped my breasts, so I could give my little baby boy the best start possible.  And pump I did.  After I was discharged, I would travel daily with my supply of breast milk, from Seaforth to London.  I never missed a chance to hold my little boy.  The nurses taught me how to bath him, change him, and nurse him.  I would call to let them know I was coming so that I could nurse him.  The nurses would feed him the breast milk after I left.

Mike was in a unit of the hospital called the NICU.  He has several issues that needed to be resolved before he was discharged.  He was jaundiced on the second day, and had to stay under lights.  His breathing would slow and his heart would stop when he fell asleep.  The nurses would have to walk around and give him a pat on the butt to wake him back up, so his heart would begin again.

One day I was told that I could stay in a hospital room, and I could come during the night to nurse him.  After the 2nd night, he was allowed to stay in my room.  And finally, after 30 days in the hospital, he was finally able to come home.  He weighed an entire 4lb 3oz,  He was a tiny little fart of a thing.  But he came home.

And he was a healthy little boy.  He never needed to go to the hospital, except to get a quarter removed from his esophagus when he was 10.  But he was never ill.  And now he is a 21 year old man living on his own, and working.  I am proud of him, and proud to call him my son.

When I was but a 16 year old girl, my highschool held an event, and one of the booths at the event was for a tarot card reading.  At the time, I was dating a boy that I innocently believed he was to be the love of my life.  He was a tall blonde blue-eyed boy.  We were dating for at least 1 year.

Going into the Tarot card booth, I had hoped that my reading would tell me that my highschool sweetheart was going to be a part of my life forever, but that was not the case.  My reading told me that I was to meet a tall dark man, who will come from overseas, and he will come from a country of sultans.

Fast forward several years later.  I was in a relationship that was safe.  It saved me from a lifetime of turmoil being married to an alcoholic a*****e.  I knew I was not exactly happy, but I was safe.  One night I had the most electrifying dream.  I dreamt that I travelled to a far away land, and was drawn to a tall dark man.  I remember there were so many shoes, and I was uncertain of why I was there.  This man came, and took my hand.  He drew me into an embraced and kissed me so passionately that when I awoke I could still feel the electricity.

Not really understanding, I carried on with my life.  I had 3 small children, and a partner that could not make a decision, so depended upon me to do EVERYTHING. I was feeling trapped, and want to reach out to people to talk, to expand my universe, and to have a meaningful conversation.  I was looking for friends….only.  I found a website called ICQ.  At that time, ICQ had some neat games, and while you were online, you could ask the website to find you a random person to chat with.

I had been on the website for a few weeks.  Most of the people who were trying to chat with me were trying to sell me Viagra, or talk sex talk.  I was not interested in that.  I didn’t want to have a relationship like that.  I just wanted conversation that was not baby talk.

I ended up ignoring most people, but one day a “serkan” said hi.  I waited a bit before answering, but finally said hi back.  We started talking.  I asked where he was from.  He told me Turkey.  I didn’t really know where Turkey was, but I knew it was near Greece.

Cool.  I was talking with someone half way around the world.  I was curious for his culture, his way of life and we talked.  He was interested in talking to someone to improve his English.  He asked if I had a friend he could talk with, seeing as I was in a relationship.  For some reason I felt jealous about that.  I didn’t want him to talk with anyone else.  I wanted to talk to him.

Eventually I was feeling excited every time he signed in.  The was an electric jolt every time.   I came to realize that I was falling for him…..fast. I decided to end the relationship with my partner, and free myself to explore this new exciting happening.  I couldn’t really understand it at the time, but I slowly became to understand that this was the person I dreamt about.

Everyday, we would send messages via sms. At the time, I could only send messages through the computer to his phone, as the international text messaging system only would cater to a few countries outside of North America, and unfortunately, Turkey was not one of them.  It would be 6 months before I would eventually meet the Turk.

~Update~

I would meet, and marry this man.  Driven by a Karmic energy that was more powerful than reason, I embarked upon this life with a man that would either look after me, or destroy my heart.  He decided to destroy my heart, and leave me feeling worthless and broken.  However, not all was lost, as while I lay broken in the shadow of his existence, I found my twin soul energy.  Without this energy that is connected to a high being that was incarnate, as a man, and yet not incarnate as a high being so that this energy can help me clear my karmic vows, cords, and remove this karmic being from my souls existence.  While I despise the man, I am grateful for this opportunity to finally be free.  He has been haunting me since an early incarnation, taking my lifetimes and imposing destructive oppressive energy upon my soul, killing me over and over, destroying the light.  But no more.  It is done, he is not within my conscious energy anymore.  And I am healing myself, and fellow twin souls who have been suppressing their energy because of karmic partners with century old ideals that have kept the feminine half of the energies within harms way.  This has been the past.  The future is being manifested to repair the damage and heal the sacred feminine and sacred male energies, and beings. As with inward, so with outward.